Ah, finals week. One of the most torturous, horrifically daunting experiences of a young adult's life. Here are some of the best ways to “study” for the worst days of the school year.
- Get in the Christmas spirit by using your Scantrons to create beautiful scenes of holiday cheer. The little bubbles are perfect for detailed Christmas trees. You might need to panic when you get to the test and realize you have no scanning sheets left.
- Spend hours calculating the exact grade you can make on the final with minimum effort to keep a B in the class.
- Deep clean your entire room for the first time of the semester. Find lots of hidden treasures. Trip over the vacuum cord you left trailing across your door.
- Gnaw a candy cane into the sharpest point possible. Use it to defend your parking spot in the library deck. *my precious*
- Scroll through the past three days of your Instagram feed. Unlike every picture so you can experience the joy of liking it for the first time again. Make no apologies.
- Hire an assistant to wipe your tears. Get clearance from the Office of Accessibility to take her into your finals. Make sure to keep your Scantron free of salt water-stained blotches (that’s what she’s for).
- Spend three hours watching Tasty tutorials on how to make 57 different kinds of hot chocolate.
- Do arts and crafts.
- Sneak into the Christmas parties hosted by your neighbors down the hall. Eat their food and pretend to know everyone. Tell stories of the good-ole days of freshman year.
- Start a new Netflix series. Race to the final episode.
- Online shop with a study guides opened at 25% in the top left corner of your laptop screen. Hey, it counts right?
- Let’s play a game. For every student you see crying in the library, you get to take a 5 minute break. Also maybe a shot (of the hot chocolate you made before, duh. You have to study, no messing around, come on man).
- Paint your nails. Remove the polish. Paint them again. Continue until you’re high from the fumes.
- Make a Christmas list. Take it to the Santa at the mall. Sit on his lap and read every single item, including sizes and where to buy it.
- Eat everything. Regret nothing.
- Walk around the parking deck and pretend to be going to a car. Crush the hopes and dreams of the driver who has been stalking you for the past 10 minutes in hopes of taking your parking spot.
No matter what your methods may be, these study tips are a guaranteed D on the final. This one goes out to all the college students who haven’t slept for 72 hours. Stay strong.
Disclaimer: Professional procrastinators only. Do not try this at home.
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