Ah, Thanksgiving. Truly, the greatest holiday of them all, dreamed up by the fat man, of course.
Who else would dedicate an entire holiday to gluttony?
As a fat man myself, I feel an inherent need to love this holiday and celebrate it to its fullest extents. At the McCollum household, I can assure you, there is never any pie left.
However, this year, I’ve begun to notice odd colors and decorations creeping into my beloved Thanksgiving decorations.
Imagine my surprise and chagrin to find Christmas invading upon the sovereign ground of my beloved Thanksgiving.
Retail stores like Target and Wal Mart trotted out their Christmas decor right after Halloween.
My own mother, one of the owners and operators of The Picket Fence in downtown Opelika, had hers up even before that.
My own mother, Auburn. Words cannot express my profound sadness at this betrayal.
We cannot allow Christmas to do this to us, Auburn. Nothing against Jesus and his birthday, but if one day is good enough for the rest of us, the Son of Man can keep his decorations in December.
That’s all I ask. Thou art powerful and mighty, O Lord, and I beseech thee to strike down these retailers with thy wrath and thy justice.
I’ve found that impromptu, mildly-sarcastic vengeance prayers directed at God usually don’t work, but it was worth a shot. I write this with one eye looking up, expecting a lightning bolt to come down at any minute.
I know that Christmas’ hostile takeover of November and my beloved Thanksgiving is a foregone conclusion, as if Christmas were a holly, jolly Nazi war machine and the Thanksgiving forces and I were proud, noble Belgium, getting mowed down rather quickly and quietly.
Thanksgiving has no Winston Churchill and no “We shall fight them on the beaches” speech, but I shall attempt to stand in none the less.
Fans of Thanksgiving, I issue you a missive on this day.
Stand up to Santa and his oppressive, tyrannical regime.
Refuse his reindeer and holly passage into your living rooms and hearths.
Do not even look at a pine or fir tree, lest you be tempted to allow them entry into your home.
And I say to you here today, patriots of the turkey, remember the Pilgrims and Indians. Take the horn of plenty and sound the call.
We shall fight Christmas in our living rooms.
We shall fight it in our offices and our places of business, refusing to hang its red and green colors that spell our impending doom.
We shall fight it in our mailboxes and refuse to send out cards to relatives we haven’t seen since Reagan was in the White House.
We shall never give in, never surrender until the last advent calender has been denied entry into every Target, K or Wal-Mart in our great land.
Stand with me today, my brothers and sisters, for together, we can undertake this awesome task. Let us drive back the forces of Christmas together, so on this day, they can say this, Thanksgiving, was our greatest holiday.
