If I hear the words “super delegate” one more time I’m going to snap.
I’ll find a tall building and see if I can fly.
But before I take the big leap, I’m going to send Ted Turner and the good folks at CNN my death note just so I can get the last word in. It will read as follows:
“Dear Ted et al,
It is all your fault.”
I have gone insane and can no longer watch the news without becoming violently ill.
My thirst for knowledge is gone and with that my desire to live on.
When I couldn’t even stomach the coverage of the primaries I knew this was a world I no longer wanted to be a part of.
This was supposed to be a thrilling time where Americans could be a part of a change in the White House.
George Bush is going to be gone!
And thanks to you I will never see the day when that lovable, laughable Texan is thrown out the White House gates.
It was all on a silver platter for you and you screwed it all up.
For the Republicans you have a war hero in John McCain with enough of a temper boiling under that fossilized skin to challenge W’s hunting buddy, Dick Cheney.
On the Democrat’s side you have history. You were given the first serious female candidate in our nation’s history in Hillary Clinton and the most charismatic Senator since JFK, Barack Obama.
He’s also a black man in case you didn’t notice.
With apologies to Jessie Jackson’s 1984 campaign, I’d have to say Barack is the first African-American to seriously be a challenge for nomination.
Oh, the gifts you were given.
All the cards were laid out and you decided to play 52 Pickup.
Besides effectively ignoring the Republican race, you can’t seem to decide which Democrat you want to win the nomination.
At first you laughed at Barack as Oprah’s pet candidate before it became clear he stood a chance.
Then Barack’s ‘change’ inspired rhetoric finally struck the CNN newsroom, and Hillary had to get emotional to fight for airtime.
Hillary revealing some human qualities was a sordid enough thought and then she cried in Connecticut.
I considered forgoing this letter and heading to the knife drawer.
I would have thought her tear ducts would have dried up decades ago.
So, Hillary cried and you paid attention and brought in every guest you could to examine everything from how true of a gesture it was to the salinity of her tears.
Then you forgot about Hillary and went back to your favorite Illinois senator.
The fawning you showed over Barack left me wondering if you had sent him a “Will you be my Valentine?” letter.
Mercifully, Saturday Night Live took up the cause and asked Barack the CNN type of hard-hitting question: “Is there anything we can get you Sen. Barack?”
I’m not sure he needs anything else from you.
It takes a lot for me to feel sorry for Hillary, but I think her husband has more respect in the offices of CNN.
And now that we’ve finally hit a break from the unrelenting primaries of the past few months you’ve decided nothing else in the world matters as much right now as a superdelegate.
So thrilled are you with the idea of counting votes in May, no one has stopped to question the idea of superdelegate votes in the first place.
How can a party that is Democratic in name have some votes count more than others?
Are they nobility, or do you not trust the millions of Americans that go to the polls to make the right decision?
It is utterly un-Democratic and instead of calling the practice into question you treat superdelegates like nobility.
If I go an hour without Wolf Blitzer asking a superdelegate if they have committed their vote to Hillary or Barack I stand up and clap at the television screen. Believe it or not, there are other things happening in the world that don’t involve superdelegate attention.
Our economy is facing recession, gas prices continue to soar and oh yeah there’s a war going on for five years now.
It’s OK though.
You’re apparently the most trusted name in news, so keep on doing what you’re doing while I prepare my next letter to Rupert Murdoch and the great folks at Fox News.
It promises to be as fair and balanced as “Poppa Bear,” Bill O’Reilly.
Good luck getting Wolf to finally shave off that beard.
Your dearly departed,
Alex.
Alex Scarborough-Anderson is Assistant Sports Editor of The Auburn Plainsman. You can reach him at 844-9157.
