My name is Cliff McCollum and I’m a meddler.
I’ve been a meddler going on about 15 or so years now.
Every day, I struggle with my impulses to involve myself in situations, whether it be to try to legitimately help the situation or (on occasion) to deliberately cause trouble. I know I don’t have the strength on my own to stop myself from meddling, so I rely on the words of wisdom given to us by Beverly Cleary’s classic character Ramona Quimby: “Mind your own beeswax.”
With that mantra, I can hope to battle my inner Yente.
For those of you who aren’t as familiar with the great Jewish musical that is “Fiddler on the Roof,” Yente is the nosy matchmaker that serves the tiny Russian village of Anatevka. The role was created on Broadway by the legendary Bea Arthur, of “Golden Girls” fame.
See, I’m not only an admitted meddler, I’m also a dork. Meddling is a gateway verb. It often leads to harder verbs like scheming, and, then, God forbid, you’re on the way to the downward spiral of plotting.
My particular problem with meddling gives me a unique life view when I look at the actions of others. It gives me the ability to better notice when others are under the influence.
When you’re meddling, your primary concern is your own satisfaction, regardless of the situation. You want everything to turn out the way you want it to, consequences be damned.
You’ll cut off the nose to spite the face and you won’t even realize it. You make horrible decisions that drastically affect your life, your work and, at times, your financial situations, and you won’t realize the harm you’re doing. You’re focused on what you want and nothing else.
It’s an egocentric sickness that, to date, doesn’t have a single cure. There are no Meddlers Anonymous meetings, no methadone that can bring you the high of manipulating words and actions to fit your whims.
You can’t quit meddling. You can ween yourself off it, but you’ll never fully be away from it. It keeps coming back, like herpes (even if Valtrex can help you frolic through fields or whatever it is that Valtrex helps you accomplish). If someone you love has a problem with meddling, confront them and get them to seek help. If you don’t, it will be to your detriment, as their problem will surely seep into your life and become your problem.
Meddlers need victims and it’s a proven fact almost every meddling victim is a close friend or relation of the meddler.
Meddlers don’t bother strangers, by and large.
Their meddling may seem innocuous at first. They might try to set you up on a blind date or push you to ask out that girl you’ve been eyeing for some time now. Do not enable their meddling. In the immortal words of the great Barney Fife: “Nip it in the bud.”
Demure, thank them for their efforts and then just back away. While it may initially piss them off, trust me, they will thank you for it later.
Without their favorite pasttime, they’ll be forced to do a bit of self-inspection and realize they have some rebuilding and manipulating to do in their lives.
Remove them from the temptations of gossip and secrets, as it would be tantamount to giving a heroine junkie a hypodermic needle and a map to the nearest dealer’s house. Don’t ask for their aid in your endeavors. Again, it will just lead them right back to the life they once led.
So, I use this opportunity to announce my retirement from meddling. My days of owning the coveted “Mouth of the South” moniker are now over.
I’m now content not to know anything about anyone else. I don’t want to get involved.
Well, truth be told, I do, but I can’t let myself travel down that winding road again.
