Last weekend, I was sitting in my living room with my roommate, looking for something to do. A pile of pennies was conveniently sitting on the table next to me. I grabbed a handful and began tossing them into a nearby trash can.
About 20 cents later, I had a revelation: I was literally throwing money away. While contemplating the irony of the situation, I had a second revelation: pennies actually belong in the trash can.
The penny has suffered a long, hard fall from the top, when it was first minted almost 100 years ago.
Once the inspiration for cheap candy and Inspector Gadget’s niece, the penny has recently become the unwanted stepchild of the currency family.
Now, the penny is about as valuable to me as a Chuck E. Cheese game token. Before I receive hate mail from Auburn’s Chuck E. Cheese enthusiasts, you should know that I enjoy cheese pizza and the ball pit as much as the next 5 year old. I just think children are the only people who still want their pennies.
But pennies aren’t even considerate to those who use them most. Children place blind trust in pennies, and pennies reward that trust by giving children false hopes about their piggy banks.
The downfall of the penny has also caused an increase in penny littering. Unwanted pennies cover the streets, because it’s not worth the good luck to pick up a penny off the ground anymore.
Businesses don’t even want their pennies. Most gas stations have a “Give a Penny Take a Penny” dish at the cash register (I always take).
Perhaps the worst aspect of the penny is that it costs more than one cent to produce each penny.
Because of its overall worthlessness, it’s time for the penny to go the way of Crystal Pepsi, the Macarena and Pog before it.
In fact, maybe we should replace pennies with Pog bottle caps. How cool would it be to pay for a piece of bubblegum with the Red Ranger or Darth Vader instead of Abe Lincoln?
I certainly hope our money doesn’t reflect our opinions of the people on it. While Abe Lincoln is busy getting his feelings hurt on the penny, Ben Franklin, who wasn’t even president, is partying it up in the one hundred dollar bill suite.
I guess we don’t appreciate the abolition of slavery as much as flying a kite.
To avoid any more hard feelings and presidential prejudice, the penny should take its final bow in the U.S. market.
To be fair, I’ll decide the penny’s fate in a manner it is accustomed to. I’ll flip a coin. If heads, the penny goes. If tails, the penny stays. Did you pick tails? It was heads. I flipped a two-headed coin (I really want to get rid of pennies).
It’s time for Honest Abe to visit the monetary retirement home, where he can enjoy competitive Chinese checkers and weekly ice cream socials.
And, while he’s at it, he can take his friend, Sacagawea, with him. Nobody actually uses the golden dollar.
Griffin Limerick is the associate news editor of The Auburn Plainsman. You can reach him at 844-9109.
September 23, 2008 - 10:58pm
DOES ANYONE USE THE PRESIDENTIAL DOLLAR COINS?
In Canada they have $1 and $2 which is great as you can buy lunch with your change. I think they look great and I use them everywhere I can with the help of a little change-holder called Portsou that I picked up online. Check it out www.portsou.com Go dollar!!!