He’s also said jail time would mean his death because of health problems that neither he nor his attorney have disclosed.
We at The Plainsman believe in justice, hard justice. Because of this belief, we want Updyke to be appropriately punished for appropriate crimes, should he be convicted. We believe the value of the Toomer’s Oaks to be greater than $20. We hope that a few lines in the Code of Alabama aren’t enough to strike down three applicable charges.
Updyke also made the apology call to Paul Finebaum in September, a more damning than penetant act. Updyke is sorry because he was caught. A person who regrets his crime doesn’t phone in to radio shows to gloat about destroying a more than century-old tradition weeks after the crime took place.
A person who regrets his crime certainly doesn’t finish that phone call with a “Roll Damn Tide” battle cry.
Simply, we don’t believe in unreasonable mercy for Updyke. He’s not sorry for what he did—we’re not sorry for wanting him punished.
That said, should the charges be lessened and we move into the realm of absurdity, we have a few creative punishments for the perpetrator of the poisoning.
Our first idea was to tattoo “War Eagle” across Updyke’s forehead and require him to journey to Toomer’s Corner after every home game to participate in the revelry and be ceremoniously rolled.
Auburn fans need something to cover in toilet paper, and there’s no reason we can’t replace our leafy tree with a hairy man.
Our second idea was to provide Updyke with lifetime season passes in the lower deck at the 50-yard line so that he could enjoy Auburn football for the rest of his days. Our only requirement is that he wear a shirt proclaiming his role in the poisoning.
If he rejects that offer, we’d be more than willing to seat him comfortably in the student section.
Our third idea was hard labor. Even if the trees don’t survive, we suggest Updyke be forced to be part of the cleanup after home games. Should the Auburn community decide to spontaneously roll Toomer’s, Updyke would be compelled to drop what he’s doing and grab a Hefty, of course.
Should he find it distasteful that we require him to clean up the site around his dastardly crime, we would be willing to move him to the stadium.
Cleaning up the sticky, gritty concrete and picking up others’ trash would give him some time to think about what we leave behind us.
Updyke said during his apology call that he doesn’t want this crime to be his legacy.
It’s too late, Harvey. You will always be remembered as the man who tried to break the Auburn spirit and failed.