Maybe it’s just because I’m a “glass half-full” kind of person, and I have to say I don’t know how any of you are getting through these games without your glass half full, but I just can’t help but see the perks of going 1–7.
Here are some great benefits of a losing season that are sure to distract you from whatever disaster is happening on the field.
1) Cheaper downtown
No cover charge at 1716 on Saturdays. Does anyone else remember when some bars downtown dared to charge $10 cover during our undefeated season? With each loss, we get closer and closer to the downtown bars paying us to come and drink. Sky, we lost to Vanderbilt. It’s time to extend that great 7–9 p.m. free stamp policy to Saturday nights.
2) Pad your resume
Skimpy resume? No worries! After this season, we can all list National Wildlife Federation under volunteer experience with all the work we are doing to save Toomer’s Oaks by not rolling them this year. I knew Auburn was a university rooted in service, but man are we taking things to the next level. Way to go, guys!
3) Educational advantages
When I convinced my parents to pay tens of thousands of dollars on my college education, my biggest selling point was what a well-rounded experience I would have. And I was right! Poor Bammers; they have no idea what a loss is. I didn’t think it was possible to add to the list of educational experiences Auburn has over Alabama, but then again I should never underestimate Auburn!
4) Better hospitality
Try and name somebody who doesn’t like the visiting team when they’ve lost? Not possible. Everybody loves a visiting team who loses. It’s awesome when people come to your campus and lose! What top-notch experiences I have had in both Oxford and Nashville. While a loss to arguably the weakest SEC football teams is tough, the wonderful hospitality we’re treated to is a nice silver lining. I mean just think, if we keep this up people will be paying us to show up!
5) Valid excuse to leave early
Thank you, Spirit; no one has been as bold as you. We’re all guilty of leaving earlier and earlier with every added loss. Most of us try to stick it out until at least halftime, but even that is becoming an impossible task. Spirit, you changed all that. At a record zero minutes into the game, Spirit left Jordan-Hare. What a solid argument you’ve made for those of us hoping to leave early, but who are tied down to friends waiting to see a comeback. Who is going to say we have to stay seated freezing in the stands when the spirit of Jordan-Hare was gone before the game even started?
So relax, Tigers. We’ll be back on our feet again. In the meantime, use these tips as ways to distract yourself until the season’s over and we can give all our attention to Auburn basketball... Or until I can get back to you on perks for that season too.