It’s a visceral and violent game that can have moments of poetic eloquence. Take the Miracle at Jordan-Hare or Chris Davis’ 109-yard, game-winning touchdown as examples. But it’s not classy.
So, it’s perfectly all right to be a classless football fan. It’s all right to swill beer and stuff nachos in your fat mouth while you scream like a fool at the TV. It’s your duty as an American, a true patriot.
Men and women do it; Auburn fans, Bama fans and the like. It’s as much a part of the game as coaches with god complexes and multimillion-dollar corporate sponsorship.
There is a line, however.
Most of us know that person who is annoyingly hyper-competitive and takes things way too far. He keys the car of the guy who beat him in a pick-up game of basketball. She spreads a rumor that her roommate has herpes just because she forgot to do the dishes.
In the state of Alabama, this type of person is known as a Bammer.
We won’t go into all the Bammer stereotypes, even though they are quite funny and mostly true. No, we just want to take this time to show how even in the classless world of college football, Bammers make us all look like royalty.
Since Harvey Updyke poisoned the Toomer’s Oaks after Bama’s 2010 Iron Bowl loss, some Bama fans have tried to distance themselves from the crazed reactionary image Updyke has cemented in the minds of Auburn fans.
However, those doing the distancing are in the minority.
He is the Bammer patriarch and they have taken his vitriolic insanity as gospel.
For example, Cade Foster, the Tide kicker who missed two field goals and had one blocked, was sent death threats. Of course, it was all Bammers making these threats, Bammers who thought killing a man was the best way to deal with the loss.
There’s also the charming Richard Brantley, who confessed to a SportsCenter reporter that he wanted to die after Bama lost.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t restore honor to his favorite team with a blood sacrifice because he has a family who is only slightly less important than Bama football.
And these are only two examples from a long history of awe-inspiring stupidity.
You see, these are not the words and actions of average, classless football fans; these are the words of Bammers. These are the words of the sad, lonely bunch of folks who define their lives by a college football program.
So take to heart the lessons of the past four years Bama. Learn from what Updyke and the Bammers have done. And remember, just because you’re a bunch of winners doesn’t mean you can’t also be a bunch of losers.