How do you get an Auburn student off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza and don’t forget to tip him.

Seriously.

Tip me.

I’ve been delivering pizzas on these rolling plains for 3 years now and have a bone to pick. We in the pizza business work for tips.

Our less than minimum wage income cannot pay the bills unless it is backed by tips.

Only a percentage of the delivery fee goes to the driver to compensate for mileage, while the rest of that cash ends up in corporate pockets.

That’s for another column though.

There are days where I feel the service that I provide is far under appreciated.

Some people just don’t have the money to tip and I understand that. “I’m sorry man, but I’m broke and can’t tip. Want a beer instead?”

I’m not saying you should give me beer in place of cash, but putting a strike through the tip line and muttering “ ’Preciate ya” as you shut the door doesn’t quite cut it.

What do tips pay for?

Gas to fuel 75+ miles of driving on a busy day. Oil changes every month and a half. Tires. Struts. Alignments.

And well, I’m not gonna lie, beer so I can kick back with my friends when I get off work.

The average tip in this town is $2-3.

Tip less or more than that I’ll remember you and I’ll talk to my co-workers about you.

In what light you’re remembered is your choice.

I once got $17 on a $22 order.

You know who you are. Thank you.

One lady made me go back to my car to grab $0.42 for her because “You never know when it will come in handy!”

I’m not saying that I’ll flick boogers into your food if you consistently stiff me, nor will I spit, cough, or add any other kind of bodily seasoning.

I don’t do that because it’s unethical and gross.

But, please, do keep in the back of your mind that people in food service have impeccable memories.

Your address will set off a mental alarm when it comes across the screen that routes drivers.

I will remember you as the loser who said, “Keep the jingle.”

I will short you on pepperoni when I make your pizza.

On the way to your house I will stop for gas or maybe swing by my place to organize that sock drawer I’ve been meaning to get to.

When you open your pizza, you’ll find that Stevie Wonder cut it for you.

If you tip well, you will get your pizza in a very expeditious manner.

I will drive circles around Auburn just to get accommodate a customer who I know habitually tips.

Your pizza will also be unbelievably tasty.

You will find yourself privy to magical discounts and the occasional freebie.

Good things come to those who show me love.

I also want to call out the three groups of people that are the worst at tipping.

The first and guiltiest is the University.

On several occasions I’ve been told that campus organizations aren’t allowed to tip if the order is on a University account.

Please feel free to come into the store to pick up your next 50 pie order if you’re going to refuse to give back some of my out-of-state tuition.

The second most unappreciative group of customers in Auburn are those that live within the gates of most “luxurious” living arrangements.

I’ve found the new Exchange to be the worst at tipping.

I’ve taken upwards of 30 runs to 300 East Longleaf Dr. and have seldom passed through those gates with a smile on my face.

Please show me some love, Exchangers.

It’s probably your dad’s credit card anyway.

Please follow Creekside’s golden example of a high class community that tips well. You guys are awesome.

I’ve been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out how to quietly confront the third group, but have yet to find a subtle approach that adequately expresses my feelings.

Before I proceed, I want to let my readers know that I understand this is a stereotype with negative connotations and that I recognize that not all people of this group refuse to tip.

But, my dear reader, please know that stereotypes exist for a reason.

A co-worker once told me, “If you paint a canoe black, it will never tip.”

You heard me.

Black people don’t tip.

I’m not the only person to have a beef, as this tends to be a well known grievance throughout the food service community.

Although I am black, I am completely dumbfounded as to why this phenomenon exists.

Whatever the reason, there needs to be a change because I’m pissed.

We’re all pissed.

I was brought up to appreciate the value of a dollar and to reward good service.

I tend to tip 20 to 30 percent depending on how much cash I have on me.

If I think the service was bad enough to merit a blank in the tip line, I leave you a penny and a detailed note about why.

Whew. I’m happy to have all of that out there.

I’d like to wrap up by extending kudos to those of you out there that tip, and überkudos to those who tip well, especially if you were thrown under the bus by my blanket statements.

I appreciate you more than words can describe.

As for the rest of you, please visit the Web site tipthepizzaguy.com.

Please.

For my sanity.