AIDS is still a problem. Cancer is increasing at a jogging pace. Not my jogging pace, but someone in shape, which is probably really fast. Millions of Americans are still without health insurance. Ya these things are important, but I know of something that is plaguing our society with a dark, relentless grasp -- choking the life and energy out of millions of people globally.
It's a pandemic really. A never-ending cycle of fail. It's not a disease, but it does make me sick.
This disgusting virus is bad drivers. They are everywhere. The person next to you right now could be in fact, a bad driver.
I was reading where Congress is working diligently, that's awkward to say, to mandate that every car could soon be equipped with breathalyzers to combat the 13,000 people a year that die because of drunk drivers.
There are already about 150,000 interlock systems now in cars in the U.S. Most are placed there for drivers with multiple DUI convictions, but this proposed mandate would expand the use of interlock systems to everyone.
MADD's statistics indicate that 1.5 million Americans are arrested every year on DUI charges.
Now you may be asking yourself where I could possibly be taking this. I recently, in a study not approved by any organization, collected some statistics that are not based at all on facts, but rather my own elitist opinions, found that bad drivers are increasing exponentially. This is alarming.
So here is what I propose, and hear me out because it could and will work.
Let me lay a little logic down for you. Stupid people drive drunk. So thus the underlying problem is that we have idiots driving. So instead of stopping them before they drive drunk, let's just stop them before they drive period. How you say?
We install quiz machines in every car that require the driver to answer 10 questions. Nothing hard like who was the first president or displaying a picture of Sarah Palin and asking would you trust her, but just simple IQ test like questions. If the person does not get at least, and I stress this part, at least seven out of the 10 questions right, they should not be allowed to turn that key.
An inconvenience you say? I'm sorry, but their life is an inconvenience to us. I am just trying to solve problems here.
I proposed this idea to a friend and she quickly said, "Well, what if there is an emergency and I do not have time to answer questions?"
I quickly replied that if she could not answer seven simple questions then maybe she was not the right person to be driving me to the hospital.
If all of the sudden I yell, "Hey, I cut my foot off." or "Hey, I was just run over by a drunk driver." and you just go completely blank on some fifth grade material, maybe you driving is more of a hazard than me bleeding out. I'm just saying.
So think this idea over. I know it will make sense. We all know those dumb ass drivers that I am referring to.
The ones that floor it around you only to sit at the red light next to you and nervously look for something in their console so they do not have to make embarrassed eye contact.
You know who I am talking about red Ford F-150 that lives in my neighborhood. You suck at life, and yes I do stare at you every time you pass me, and no I will not stop and I do not care you have a gun.
OK so to wrap things up. I know I cannot stop morons from driving, but I can at least sit here and complain about it ineffectually.
Sometimes it just helps to say things. Even if they don't make sense to you, they make sense to me and others who can process simple thoughts. It's OK, don't worry. That's why we have public transportation full of people just like you.
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