OK look, I know America is No. 1, awesome and the best in the world, but recently America's copycats and people who want to be us have gotten to be a little ridiculous.
I'm calling you out Canada.
Normally I realize Canada is a remarkably sound thinking place, our much calmer neighbor to the north.
Like an older brother, we will say, who watches over his slightly younger brother America and all his crazy adventures, and then completely ignores his step-brother Mexico further south because nobody likes to talk about the things Mexico does.
Canada is like that nerdy, dweeb of a friend who stands behind you when you are about to throw that rock at the hornet's nest saying, "Now come on America, I don't think that is such a good idea. Those bees look mad."
But listen to what big brother/nerdy, dork friend did now. They are looking to use a private health care option.
Are you kidding me?! Canada you stole our idea.
Look I know we "talked" about stealing your public option and all of its year long waiting lists, but what the heck, eh?
There are already private health care clinics cropping up around Quebec and other villages, (I think that is what they call them).
But, seriously, what the heck, world?
This is not the first time America has been robbed of its cool stuff.
Biggest thing ever stolen from America: can you guess? If you're hungry, then you are a good American, and if you're hungry for a Big Mac you are even "awesomer."
McDonald's has been stolen so many times, I don't even eat there anymore; it's so un-American. (Wow, Google un-American for fun sometime and see all the depressing Liberal propaganda ... damn Commies).
There are, like, 800 McDonald's in China. What else do you want China? More money?
Well, if we are giving you McDonald's, I demand better buffets with better prices.
I'm sorry but $9 for one of your "buffets" is just robbing me blind.
Look, let me put it simple: being fat is our thing.
If you can be bigger than us mentally, then at least let us actually be bigger than you.
Gee whiz, world! Stop with all the jealousy!
Arab sheikhs are buying their own islands, China is looking to annex Disney World and Russia is just looking to take Alaska back.
Sarah Palin can see what they are doing, and Lord knows she would never lie!
Am I just way off base here with what I'm saying?
Are you people not angry about this?
If you are not, then you should be locked up in Guantanamo Bay.
While there, you are not allowed to be informed of why you are being held, we can beat you and you can't cry. What?
Other countries already think that's OK because of us and are currently putting our "fraternity pranks" to test? Is nothing sacred anymore?
OK, that's it. I have devised a plan. We are going to beat these posers at their own game. We are going to start giving health care to all Americans, we are going to quit opening restaurants where it is "all you can eat" and the point is to become huge and eat your feelings.
Finally, this is a big one that will get 'em good, we are going to stop relying on business to regulate itself. We are just going to randomly set some crazy standards that they will have to follow or else.
Look, I don't like it either, but the only natural way to deal with their actions is to like respond with another action, like a reaction or something.
It's game on, world.
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