So if I were James Bond, This is How I Would Roll

Being in an action movie must be hard. I mean your ears have to be shot after what, like five explosions?

Somewhere in the world there is a foundation set up for heroes who have lost their hearing in the line of duty. A bunch of loose cannons set to go off at any sudden sound, or lack thereof.

What kind of future do these people have? One full of waiting on a disability check that will never come? Does not sound like the life I want my James Bond to live.

I was recently plunged into a nerd galaxy far, far away when I somehow reasoned it to be a good idea to hook up all my old school nintendos back in my room by my desk. Now why this was a good idea, I will never fully realize. When I informed my girlfriend I had done this, she simply shook her head and walked away.

I have not heard from her in three days. I am starting to worry. If you have seen her please call 911.

I digress.

So I am sitting back there playing Goldeneye on my Nintendo 64 and as I quickly frag my way through the weak line of enemies before me, I realize I am doing something I don't normally see a hero do during an intense firefight. I am picking up the enemies guns behind me. That's blasphemy you say! Look, allow me to explain.

What is the point of leaving like 30 odd guns lying around in the path behind me for my enemies to just pick up and use against me.

"Come on Bob, I think he went this way!"

"Steve, Steve, hold on...he left these guns back here. Maybe we should pick them up? I mean we can just put these pistols in our...."

"Bob, you boob! Don't you remember anything from your "Bad Guying 101" class? I mean come on Bob, noob mistake sir, absolute noob mistake."

All the other bad guys proceed to laugh at Bob because he is an idiot. Psh, picking up weapons. Who does he think he is?

But seriously, why do they, or the guy being chased, not just walk around with a full arsenal? Just start sticking stuff in your pants, shirt and anywhere else it will fit. That's what she said. No time for jokes we are being chased!

I also wonder where these folks learn to shoot. I mean Bond, John McClane and even Tom Cruise are like popping off shots left and right. Boom over there and bang on top of there. The baddies run up, always out in the open and completely away from cover, and they look like me shooting a machine gun. Trained soldiers holding onto machine guns while convulsing violently in back breaking positions as they spray bullets blindly into the sky.

"Hey man I 'dun' got a gun. I 'gone' shoot it at dat der guy huhu." (The "huhu" is my best attempt at a stupid laugh. Let your mind do with it as you would like.)

A random round of bullets then proceeds to hit every single spot around Bond. Making a stencil outline of him along the wall. That he merely laughs at and kills another baddie.

Oh, you know what else steams me up? James always escapes. What the hell? Does he have like a deal with the Devil? I wish, for just one movie, James would get blown away. I mean I'm talking he runs out into a courtyard, thinks he is going to evade his captors once again and then just gets riddled with bullets. I mean so bad they cannot even identify his body afterward. Yes, a horrible situation I know, but hey, it's my movie fantasy.

However, I love these Bond movies and other movies where I can always count on my hero shooting his way to the credits. Everyone loves them. We nerds can sit from the comfort of our own home and live vicariously through this dark haired wonder boy.

I am just starting to think and feel for the fallen enemies. Where do they put all the bodies from every action movie? Is there an agency that collects statistics?

"Are you tired of action violence? This little village in Alaska was ransacked by Steven Segal last winter as he fought to stop an evil business man from taking over a pipeline..."

Is there a benevolence fund set up for these people to help support their families?

"I'm sorry Tommy, but...but Daddy isn't coming home. There was a break in at the top secret missile plant, and some guy named James Bond just killed your dad and like 30 other men. Ya, nobody really knows how he found out, you know with the top secret title and all. I know, I know I warned him that hanging out with Russians when there is the possibility of an action movie is not a good idea, but you know him! Always has to be right about everything. Looks like he won't live to die another day."

That's when little Tommy vows revenge on James Bond. To avenge his fallen father who died that day in the top secret, always Russian, missile silo. He also makes a secret alliance with Agent 006, played by Seth Rogen. The movie will be called, "To Live and Get High". You see what I did there?

And that ladies and gentleman is how sequels are written and people make millions of dollars.