Dear Lane,
Recently, my girlfriend has become obsessed with rabbits. While normally this would be OK because they're kind of awesome and cuddly, she's adamant that I get one and take care of it—just so that she can play with it! She has offered to help out with taking care of it, but our schedules are both so busy that I don't think it's a reality. I don't really think I have time to keep any pets (my fish recently died of neglect...). She keeps bugging me about it, but I DON'T WANT A FREAKIN' RABBIT! Lane, what should I do?
Sincerely,
I don't want to chase a rascally rabbit around my apartment“
Dear “I don’t want to chase a rascally rabbit around my apartment,”
Relationships are hard to figure out, but there are some key facts to keep in mind. Behind every seemingly innocent comment is a strategic ploy to test your compatibility as a mate. Once you've been in a committed relationship for a while, you start thinking about The Future. Thoughts of The Future typically revolve around building a life together. She watched in horror as you let your poor goldfish, arguably much lower maintenance than a family, wither away from lack of love, so your track record is already pretty poor.
Your girlfriend may be insisting that she thinks bunnies are adorable, but underneath the whimsical facade is a much more sinister plan to determine whether you are worthy of her affections. When the great Pat Benatar (and, more recently, Jordin Sparks) sang "Love Is A Battlefield," what they really meant was 'sometimes you have to feign interest in a domesticated house pet as an offensive maneuver.'
You should buy that rabbit and, moreover, smother it with affection. Set it up in the most luxurious pet condominium money can buy and get severely offended when she mentions the cage is blocking the door and most of the TV. Sew tiny bunny-sized replicas of your own outfits and dress it each morning to match you. Name it after an ex-girlfriend and gently whisper 'I will always love you' to the rabbit whenever your girlfriend is around. In less than a week, you will have proven yourself as a caregiver and she will have developed a sudden and inexplicable allergy to rabbit dander.
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