I’ve been occupying my time lately by doing a little field research with Google. That’s the official way for me to say that I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time entering random words into the Google search bar to see what suggestions it automatically fills in. I think if I word it right, I can put this activity on my resume. Here are the highlights of Google’s search suggestions for the word “why”:
Third option that comes up after typing the word “why”:
• Why is my poop green?
Woah man. I don’t really think that’s a question you should be relying on Google to answer for you. If my poop were green, I’d be frantically dialing 911, or at least poison control.
Fourth option that comes up for “why”:
• Why is chitlin so tough?
First off, what the hell is chitlin? Why are Google users in desperate need of finding out its substance? And why is it tough? I started browsing the results a little, but then I saw the word “skeleton” had something to do with it, so I threw up in my mouth a little and closed out of the page in a rush of panic. Some things are better left unknown.
Second option from the bottom for “why”:
• Why is Chief Keef in jail?
Uh, excuse my ignorance, but who is Chief Keef? I’m still not exactly sure why he’s incarcerated. Google did tell me that he’s getting baptized the second he gets out though, so we’re happy for him.
Seventh question for “Why is c”:
• “Why is Caillou bald?”
For those of you unaware, Caillou is a ballin’ ass 4-year-old cartoon boy that kids these days watch like we did Tommy on Rugrats. He’s inappropriately bald for his age, and I’m ashamed of myself for never thinking to question why a cartoon child should be afflicted with early onset baldness. I wish I could congratulate the massive population who did, and cared enough to ask Google why. Apparently there’s a cult following concerned with the growth of Caillou’s hair, because an entire list of questions about it appeared. Inquiries include, “Why is Caillou’s head so bald?” and “Why is Caillou bald he only four.”
Results for “Why are Americans so”:
• Stupid, fat, obese, obsessed with guns…in that order.
Easy now, Google. I don’t know what kind of communist China man has been soiling your search history, but I think the words you’re looking for are “incredibly good looking, superior at Nascar racing, etc.” P.S. Fat and obese are synonyms, idiot.
Second option for “Why is food”:
• “Why is food so important?”
What? Are you kidding me?! Food is important because it tastes good and we love it and we’re Americans and obese, you moron. Wait a minute…
Llama related questions:
• Why do llamas wear hats?
• Why are llamas so awesome?
I can only assume that llamas wear hats because they’re awesome and vice versa. These guys should communicate better.
Third option for “Why are mu:”
• Why are mustaches popular?
If you have to ask, you’ll never know.
Most philosophical question:
• Why is bacon so good?
Google can never answer this because the deliciousness of bacon will never be able to be put into words. It’s the holy grail of all meats combined.
I do admire all with Internet connection who went in search of unraveling this mystery, but, like the contents of chitlins, some things are better left unknown.
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