The Haley Concourse on Auburn’s campus is a herding ground for the livestock of the university. It is a traffic-packed interstate lined on either side by students throwing candy at passersby and shoving flyers down the throats of unsuspecting victims.
Few have mastered the art of escaping, or altogether avoiding, the armies of attackers on the concourse. Here are some tried-and-true tips and tricks to avoiding the ever-present vultures living on the concourse.
Go completely undercover. Evade the throes by military crawling through the bushes in front of the student center and Haley. Commit yourself and suit up in camouflage.
A classic Scooby Doo move: Hollow out a trash can. Place over the head and shuffle down the sidewalk. Every few steps, make sure to pause for an unsuspecting amount of time to avoid suspicion.
Cop a ride in the university-supplied backpack of an athlete. Best options are basketball and football. May come with size limits.
While avoidance maneuvers are proven effective, sometimes you have to confront your fears face-to-face.
One of the most irrefutable ways to get Auburn students to scatter is to loot a parking services truck and steal the uniform. Hand out tickets to anyone who makes eye contact.
Bark and charge. As soon as a T-shirt-clad lass or lad looks your way, charge the mound with a growl and a "Woof woof woof RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF.”
Some methods are simpler.
Repeat their words immediately back to them. Carry your own flyers to hand out. No matter the situation, tell them you’ve already voted.
Release the inner Weagle we all possess and carry toilet paper. Roll anyone who speaks to you.
Copy the whales and keep a water bottle with you. If someone speaks to you, spit-take and spout water. Melt the wicked witches of the west.
Distraction is a key factor in escape. The second someone makes their move, yell, “Cam Newton!” and point into the distance. When their back is turned, run for it.
Disclaimer: Works best with sorority girls.
Hijack a jAUnt golf cart. We all know you want to drive one.
Cartwheel down the street. Spider-crawl like the exorcism. Streak. Scream at a constant flat decibel as you walk, but just enough to look crazy.
No matter the method you choose, we wish you luck.
Stay safe out there, kids.
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