What I'm about to advise may seem radical, but I implore you to see the reason in my suggestion.
As a long-time admirer of Mr. Jonathan Swift, I am writing to offer a solution to the problem of The Gays that I think Mr. Swift would be proud of.
Although Swift's ideas were frowned upon, I believe that mine will seem quite tame now that people have had centuries to get used to this forward way of thinking.
The issue of The Gays has long been debated, but everyone skirts around an actual solution, and the real question: how much of a person do these undesirables count as?
I propose a reinstatement of the 3/5ths compromise, not in regards to votes, but to marriage.
This proposition is made taking in consideration the views of both Gay Rights Activists and Anti-Gay Enthusiasts.
While The Gays are acknowledged as more than half a person, they also do not count as equals among us.
In this way, everybody wins.
In terms of marriage, I propose the undesirables receiving three out of five staples of marriage.
One: The can be allowed to divorce in order to have equal misery as the rest of us.
Two: They can only adopt children whose parents have disbanded their straight relationship; by this clause, it is obvious they will not be able to spread their influence as it is clear that straight people make better parents than gay people and never give up their children.
Three: They may be married by law.
I exclude, of course, marriage under God because with the inclusion of divorce clause, that would simply be hypocritical if they were to implement it, and would be seen in the same light as if they were to mix their fabrics!
I also exclude the right for a tax stipend, as we are in a recession.
To those who may feel as though this 3/5ths Compromise is a throwback to racial discrimination, I assure you I intend this clause to extend to Gays of all races, gender and culture. I may be many things, but I am NOT a racist.
Hopefully this suggestion will be considered thoroughly and, perhaps one day, be implemented as the social norm.
--This column is meant for satirical purposes. The views expressed are not representative of The Auburn Plainsman nor its staff.
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