I live in the Friend Zone.
Dreaded by some, the Friend Zone is actually a beautiful place.
It has given me the chance to go behind enemy lines. I have studied the male species in its natural habitat.
I listened to my guy friends complain about their girlfriends. I learned the most important lesson of dating--what not to do.
Through platonic relationships with the men in my life, I gained insider information about dating and insight into the male psyche.
And that psyche does not think fondly of Valentine's Day.
First of all, guys don't like to spend money. While you may be fun to be around, your presence does not cancel out the charges on his credit card from that night out at Amsterdam's. Chivalry is dead.
Valentine's Day isn't even a real holiday. Valentine's Day is the holiday that got made fun of on the playground because it wasn't cool enough to hang out with Christmas.
If you're going to buy gifts for Valentine's Day, you might as well exchange gifts on Flag Day, Passover and Columbus Day.
Pick either Christmas or your birthday. One gift a year meets an acceptable quota.
Second, guys don't like commitment. No matter how many hints you drop about that David Yurman bracelet, buying that for you for Valentine's would signify an exclusive relationship. Exclusivity equals misery.
Valentine's Day is a trap. How is he supposed to take three girls out to a romantic dinner in the same night?
He can't. One of the three will find out that he has a couple girls on the side. She will then tell the other two. He'll be left with zero.
Life just isn't fair sometimes.
Most importantly, guys don't think it's cool when you're needy. Don't ask him why he hasn't texted you yet today. Don't ask him why he hasn't changed his relationship status on Facebook. Don't expect him to buy you a dozen roses and chocolate for an arbitrary date in February.
Although guys don't like these things, they will put up with them (to an extent) if there are perks involved.
Men are like dogs. Women are Pavlov.
Men know that putting up with the bad stuff will sometimes lead to--ahem--the good stuff.
It's classical conditioning.
No action on a guy's part comes from a place of selflessness. He is almost always considering the potential rewards.
I'm certainly not advocating loose morals to keep your guy happy.
Option A: Make him respect your boundaries, but don't expect him to celebrate a ridiculous holiday with you.
Option B: Don't have boundaries, and demand celebrations of Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Passover and Columbus Day.
The choice is yours.
Of course, there are always exceptions. Maybe 5 percent of the male population legitimately enjoys dropping $75 on dinner and a gift for Valentine's Day out of the goodness of his heart.
I applaud these guys for trying to keep chivalry alive.
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