We’re only halfway through the semester, but I have already exhausted my dining options around town.
I cannot bring myself to eat even one more \0x8B flatbread from Village dining, and if I go into Chipotle one more time, my a\0x91ffnity for burritos will \0x92finally have reached the level of addiction.
So, in pursuit of something new, I’m making it a personal goal to eat at every single restaurant in the greater Auburn/Opelika area before I graduate, and I’m inviting you to join me.
\0x10This is a detailed guide to our \0x92first destination.
Location: Whispering Oaks Bed & Breakfast Restaurant in Opelika. Housed in a sprawling old plantation house, Whispering Oaks is Southern home cooking at its finest. With food so mouthwatering you’ll think your mama’s in the kitchen, it’s a break from the ramen-noodle squalor of college life.
Our attire: Vintage hats, soft curls, lace slips, cotton dresses and red lips. For the fellas: suspenders, vests, tweed blazers, worn-leather boots, damp hair neatly combed and parted and a pocket knife. Other accessories include fresh-cut flowers, gold-leaf Bibles and jewelry passed down from our great-grandmothers. Each of us should have a small silver blade concealed in the sole of our shoe, just to provide an air of intrigue.
Assumed identities: We will refuse to acknowledge that this is not, in fact, antebellum-era South. We will speak in honeyed, drawling southern accents and insist on retiring to the front porch. We will persistently overuse phrases such as “I do declare” and “My stars!” \0x10The gentlemen will argue gruffly about politics. The ladies will faint frequently, preferably at the top of every half hour.
Occasion: Right after a church service for Sunday brunch. We sit for a couple seconds in the sun-warmed car and bake, then we roll the windows down and ramble on over to this antebellum home. We descend on the buffet and eat until we have to loosen the ties on our dresses.
Cuisine: Mashed potatoes, fried chicken, \0x92fish, peach cobbler, red velvet cake, banana pudding, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, collard greens, roasted chicken, fresh vegetables, desserts as far as the eye can see. The buffet menu varies from day to day. All of the vegetables are fresh from local farmers. If you have room for desserts, there are pecan pies, banana pudding, coconut pies and more.
Price: $8 buffet, eat until you bust. I’ve already pitched this as a reality TV show to a couple networks. MTV said no. VH1 said no. NBC said no. TLC is still considering it.
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