AUTHOR'S NOTE: These horoscopes are meant to be pure satire and offer songs that you or your friends may enjoy. If you click the following link, you'll be taken to a playlist. Please take these with a grain of salt and enjoy the musical experience.
Capricorn (22 Dec. to 20 Jan.) – Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino: Arctic Monkeys
Capricorn, you’re mature yet brooding, emotional yet controlled, though overall, you’re ambitious and loyal. Much like “Tranquility Base” by Arctic Monkeys, you have refined qualities and an overall sophisticated approach to life. Your perfect song from this album would be “The Ultracheese.” The song, similar to you, shows complete introspection while evaluating its work. Own it, Capricorn.
Aquarius (21 Jan. to 19 Feb.) – The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust: Bowie
Aquarius, you find the beauty in everything. You’re a creative at heart. Just like David Bowie, you’re meant to let your weird side showm, making you (or your alter-ego) perfect for “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust.” Like most air signs, you’re flexible, just like Stardust. Your perfect song would be “Moonage Daydream.” Your sense of wonder guides you well, similar to your appreciation of the whimsical. Dream on, Aquarius.
Pisces (20 Feb. to 20 March) – Blonde: Frank Ocean
Pisces, you’re sensitive, though this nature is a strength. You embrace this sensitivity and mix it with empathy and selflessness to create something wonderful, just like Frank Ocean on his album “Blonde.” You, Pisces, are introspective and realistic, making your perfect song “Seigfried.” Ocean’s emotion flows, just as yours do. You’re not alone in this, Pisces.
Aries (21 March to 21 Apr.) – Riot!: Paramore
Aries, you’re the textbook definition of a fire sign: passionate, brave, confident and loud, similar to the Paramore album “Riot!” specifically. You don’t care about other people’s opinions of you or your decisions. You follow your heart and march to the beat of your own drum, Aries. Your perfect song is “Born for This,” loud, fast and unapologetic, just like you and Hayley Williams, Aries.
Taurus (21 Apr. to 21 May) – Lust for Life: Lana Del Rey
Taurus, your down-to-Earth vibe and artistic sense makes you perfect for a Lana Del Rey album. Specifically, “Lust for Life.” You appreciate the beauty around you and often stop and smell the roses. This makes the perfect song on the album for you to be “Love.” The song, dreamy, romantic and steady, shows true Taurus traits. The appreciation of closeness runs through you, Taurus. Love on.
Gemini (22 May to 21 June) – Houses of The Holy: Led Zeppelin
Gemini, you’re multifaceted. You’re curious, intelligent, adaptable and entertaining. Similar to “Houses of the Holy” by Led Zeppelin, you offer so many different vibes throughout the day. You capture Zeppelin’s inspiration from J.R.R. Tolkien well. However, overall, you’re fun-loving, playful, witty and scattered, much like “Over the Hills and Far Away.” Travel on, Gemini. Embrace that playful spirit.
Cancer (22 June to 23 July) – Rumors: Fleetwood Mac
Cancer, you’re emotional, and you should use that as a strength. Fleetwood Mac, while messy, captured your feelings perfectly on “Rumors.” Aside from being emotional, you’re sentimental, you value close bonds and you crave honesty. This makes your perfect song “I don’t want to know.” The song captures all the emotional needs of you, Cancer, as well as Stevie Nicks. The song paints a portrait of you, Cancer. Embrace it.
Leo (24 July to 23 Aug.) – Lemonade: Beyonce
Leo, you’re the star of the show, just like Sasha Fierce herself, Beyonce. You’re confident, passionate, loyal, a natural leader, and you do fight back when people have wronged you. You are captured perfectly in her album “Lemonade,” in which you’d fit “Don’t Hurt yourself.” Your passion for others and your own greatness is evident here, and you take no disrespect. March to your own beat, Leo.
Virgo (24 Aug. to 23 Sept.) – Kid A: Radiohead
Virgo, you’re introspective, down to Earth, detail oriented and overall complicated, very similar to Thom Yorke’s vibes on "Kid A." Virgo, you appreciate a story out of music. You might even prefer music to be instrumental, so you can think. Whatever the case may be, your perfect song would be “Optimistic.” The song tells a story of the current world and even provides a warning in the chorus. Spread the word, Virgo. We’ll all listen.
Libra (24 Sept. to 22 Nov.) – Oracular Spectacular: MGMT
Libra, you’re a social butterfly, witty, laid back and fun, making you perfect for a y2k album, specifically “Oracular Spectacular” by MGMT. Your perfect song would be “Kids,” fun-loving, nostalgic and happy-go-lucky. You also are very smart and teach lessons from experience, just like teaching a younger friend. You enjoy yourself no matter what you do. Embrace that feeling, Libra.
Scorpio (24 Oct. to 22 Nov.) – Back to Black: Amy Winehouse
Scorpio, you’re a lover yet fiery. You’re emotional yet powerful, just like Amy Winehouse. Your essence is caught perfectly in her album “Back to Black.” Your emotional intensity, control and depth is easily turned into something beautiful, and the ball will be in your court quickly. You take control of any situation you’re put in and quickly get the upper hand. Your makeup is similar to the titular track of the album, which is your perfect song. You, Scorpio, resemble Winehouse. Honor her well.
Sagittarius (23 Nov. to 21 Dec.) – Currents: Tame Impala
Sag, you’re ever changing, and so many different vibes catch your fun-loving attitude perfectly. However, at the root, you’re an adventurer, ideal for a Tame Impala album. “Currents” is full of everything you love: change, adventure, optimism and fun. This makes you the perfect fit for “The Moment.” You go with the flow and make decisions on the spot, yet you’re still impulsive. Just like Tame Impala, you’re just one person. Live on, Sag.
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Brychelle Brooks, senior majoring in public and professional writing with a minor in information systems, has been with The Auburn Plainsman since August 2023. She previously served as the Campus Reporter, Opinion Editor and Newsletter Editor. She is currently serving as the Editor-in-Chief.
