The Auburn Plainsman, Feb. 1, 2196 - The last humanities professor
Last Thursday was a humid spring day, and flowers pierced through the grey in violet and violent colors. But amongst the verdigris, one would have found cameramen, technicians and the national press, instead of bees and butterflies. On this fateful spring day, Auburn University’s beloved Dr. Elizabeth Brians announced her retirement.
Dr. Brians was the last remaining humanities professor on Auburn's campus. Over the past few decades, state mandates have ensured that universities have either closed or shut down their language, philosophy and art departments, so it was only reasonable that Dr. Brians would leave her position.
“I was tired,” Brians said. “My classrooms were empty. Oftentimes, I only had two or three students, and those were the ones who were going to leave the country anyway. I didn’t feel like I was doing any good anymore.”
Following the statement, the professor declined to take any questions.
A minority of students appeared outraged following the incident, attempting a campus protest. The student organizers have since been suspended.
“I refuse to believe that Dr. Brians retired,” said one student who attended her classes. “Because there were so few of us [her students], we all knew her well. She had no plans of retiring.”
Some took to Instagram, claiming that she was let go, though the University quickly had those taken down.
Contrary to what critics might argue, it is clear that our University is stepping out of the shadow of a former age and embracing the future. Dr. Brians obviously realized this. The set of fortunate events began 170 years ago, when our wisest state legislature passed Alabama Act 2024-34 (SB 129), and our University began to cleanse our education department, finally ridding it of regressive ideas, such as feminism, socialism and the false accusations of a racist cultural or governmental system existing in the United States.
Professors like Dr. Brians are relics of a bygone era, wrought with disinformation and propaganda. Auburn University recognizes that our society has no need for English or art classes, because our university stands on the truth, and the truth is that literature is full of rebellious ideas – it is literature that has led mankind down the path of war and destruction, and art that has corrupted and desensitized the minds of our youth.
“The humanities teach empathy,” Dr. Brians claimed. “This is why my career could not survive.”
She is correct. Empathy is unnecessary, because everyone is taught to believe the same truths. Empathy is useless, because being an American means believing the same Christian ideals. Our University is not a home for divisive topics or ideas, so empathy and the humanities don’t belong here.
This article was written by AI. For more information, review the ALABAMA NEWS ACT OF 2090.
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