A new year has once again come to save us from the previous. The running list of grievances and complaints directed at "the year that shall not be named" has gone from the pages of our MoleSkin journals to the never-modest and always-offensive Facebook feed.
The new year is supposed to be a deep breath of fresh air. Ironically, most American's can be found wheezing in the corner of the gym they haven't been in since the beginning of the previous year, only to repeat the habit and take a "much-deserved break" two weeks in.
But, working out isn't the only life change that must be made once the clock strikes 12 on Jan. 1.
Kicking the carbs to the curb, calling mom more often, cleaning up dirty habits, ignoring the growing dependence on rum and cokes ... they are all worthwhile goals. Some of which might be accomplished in 2020.
Speaking of 2020, still planning on graduating on time? How are those required science courses going?
Don't worry about it. If you end up staying in college for three more semesters, you always have one fool-proof excuse.
"I stepped on the seal walking back from SkyBar at two in the morning."
This excuse may not work on your parents, as they can't hear anything but money falling out of their pockets, their 401K accounts and vacation savings accounts. Rest assured, your friends will resonate with you on a deeper level, following up with an encouraging "War Eagle."
Ah, "War Eagle." The centuries-old way to support one another and the easiest line to say when intoxicated. As this new year begins, we must dedicate ourselves to finding even more situations in which this line proves pertinent to the conversation.
Maybe even using it in the place of political commentary — a way to show indifference or even ignorance. A "War Eagle" followed with a shrug or dramatic hand gesture of your choice will get the point or lack of point across.
2017 deserves more. It's finally up to the plate, ready to swing, and we are responsible for making sure it doesn't get cold feet and strike out. We must keep the famous and unnecessarily worshiped profiles happy and healthy. That means no cigarettes for Betty White and absolutely no plane rides for the members of NSYNC.
Maybe this year will be the lucky year when we find out exactly why the Kardashians are famous. Maybe we'll care less about Hollywood romances and more about electing a president that isn't a raging narcissist. Just a thought.
A girl can dream, right?
Dreams are what drive us from year to year, or is it coffee? Nah, it couldn't be coffee, because we barely get any in those controversial cups, anyway. Too much ice, too little drive. While on the topic of pointless news and over-covered "catastrophes," remind me why we cared as much as we did?
Too little coffee, too little fresh water in Flint? Which one stayed put in the headlines for longer? I'll leave that research for you next time you're refreshing all of your social media pages and nothing new is catching your eye. Everyone needs a backup time-wasting mechanism, right?
In case you're interested in a pastime that won't rot your brain or cause full-out verbal wars between you and your distant relative, pick up a book. If you haven't read the book, "The Circle," and would like to be mortally terrified of Facebook Live, I recommend it.
2016 brought us our most invasive technology yet. As the days pass, each application and social database become more similar to the next. Can we talk about how Instagram really needs to sit down, catch a creativity bug and get out of Snapchat's grill? It's gotta be irritating, man.
But nothing is more irritating than going to a restaurant and finding out they offer no gluten free options. How dare restaurant owners refuse to serve food lacking flavor, color and overall food-coma joy. I think back to the days when gluten-free was solved by a Tums and a nice long trip to the bathroom. Hey, the time on the toilet will give you a chance to read credible news sources, instead of fake news like CNN!
If nothing works, you can always ditch the health act and resort to the forever-stable Taco Bell. They are healthy now!
2016 got serious flack in it's last few days and my bet is that 2017 will receive the same when it comes to its doom. There will always be something to complain about and a method to do so. Now's the time to get creative with those Facebook rants and start a new list.
Try to keep the tears off the pages and feel relief in one fact.
At least you aren't Mariah Carey.
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