It’s finally here, the holiday wedged between President’s Day and Canadian Mother’s Day on the "List of Holidays You'd Forget If You Weren’t Bored in Class Reading Your Agenda for Fun."
Yes, of course, I am talking about Groundhog Day, one of the most forgettable national holiday and an all-around fun movie to watch if you’re in a Bill Murray mood—who isn’t in a Bill Murray mood except maybe Bill Murray, or are all his moods Bill Murray moods?
On a frost-bitten day in some sad Pennsylvania town with a tongue twister of a name, the great American tradition of consulting a groundhog for real meteorological insight was born.
It began officially in 1886 in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. 'Twas the day after the pagan holiday Imbolc, which is a Gaelic holiday of weather divination and cute critters. You heard it here, folks, you can keep Christ in Christmas, but you better keep him out of my Groundhog’s Day.
Hold on to your tasteful bumper stickers and your copy of The Screw Tape Letters because things are about to get very pagan.
The Groundhog Club is a group of the Punxsutawney elites and members of the ruling class. Participants include everyone from successful local dentists and independent contractors to the town’s own mayor—think Illuminati but only pertaining to one groundhog in one part of central Pennsylvania.
According to The Club, Punxsutawney Phil will live forever, which introduces some questions. Namely, is Phil actually God? Will Phil regret his immortality when he is floating alone through eternity after all the stars shrivel and die?
The leader of the Groundhog Club is the only person on earth who can understand Phil’s nuanced marmot body language.
Every year, The Great Charismatic Leader, with much dignity and grace, sticks his face in a tree stump and whispers with Phil.
If Phil sees his shadow, the legend says, winter will last for six more weeks, and if there is no shadow, spring will come early.
It’s easy to wonder if Phil ever uses his command of the weather for evil, but I think the real question is if this immortal groundhog can control the weather, why aren’t we worshipping his divine power?
On an unrelated note, I am taking donations for the Cult of Phil, Divine Golden God of Gods. Venmo me.
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