COLUMN: A comprehensive guide to your end of the semester existential crisis



A-Day has come and gone, and the Auburn Family can stand proud knowing that it was literally impossible for us to lose that game. But by the time you hit the snooze button on your Monday morning alarm, that pride will have faded into nothing but the knowledge and dread that in just a few weeks, the spring semester will come to an end.

With it ends any real chance you had of completing the many goals you laid out for yourself in the first week of 2017. What you are entering is a process of grief, and I’m no doctor, but I have years of experience disappointing myself and the ones around me. Just ask my father.

That being said, I volunteer to walk you through the process. Take my hand as I lead you out of the fog of your own shortcomings to the land of, not milk and honey, but maybe Buzzfeed quizzes and emotional numbness.

Stage One: Denial

You’re no stranger to this stage, so don’t bother lying to me or yourself. You’ve been in denial since you bought all those pastel colored Post-It notes the second week of school and told yourself, “Yes, this will be the solution to my problems.Color coded sticky notes.” This stage is nice because you don’t even realize you’re in it until the next stage.

As your denial fades away, you’ll start checking Canvas less and less. There will be 300+ plus unread emails in your school account and an unopened 12 pack of Post-It notes under your bed by the end of this stage.

Stage Two: Bargaining

This stage is marked by the sudden realization that, yes, you’ve made a huge mistake. Actually, you’ve made a series of mistakes.

Correction: Every decision you’ve made since your 13th birthday has been a mistake. Now is the time for you to type out an email to your chemistry professor asking casually if there are any extra credit opportunities.

No, that wasn’t casual enough. Retyping it a million times trying to seem like you don’t really need it. It’s for a friend. Are you and your professor close enough to use emojis? What does the crab emoji even mean, and why do you feel so connected to it? No, just save the draft and never look at it again.

Stage Three: Depression

Turn off your phone and go to sleep on the floor. Fall asleep wondering if you can convince your mom that world literature 1010 is a weed-out class.

Stage Four: Acceptance/Overeating

At this stage, you realize you peaked in fifth grade, and you wonder if that is better or worse than the guy who still talks about high school every time you run into him at your hometown Olive Garden.At this stage, you eat an entire bag of white cheddar popcorn and send a mean message to one of the prosecutors from “Making a Murderer” on Facebook.

You fall asleep with your own mortality wrapped around you like a warm blanket and repeat to yourself, “None of this matters. One day the sun will expand and consume the Earth. God has abandoned me.” 

When you wake up the next morning, your T-shirt covered in popcorn cheese dust, you don’t bother changing it because you’ve killed your ego and the concept of shame.

Congratulations, champ, you’ve made it.

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