Remember that old movie gag in which the hero dropped a huge bell on the villain and then struck it to deafen the foe inside? As a child, I always wondered if that really worked. Sadly, I never got to satiate my curiosity.
Well, now I know, because I've seen "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," a loud, stupid and even louder disasterpiece as dizzyingly frantic as it is devastatingly boring.
You can tell from the get-go that continuity doesn't play a large role in the "Transformers" universe: Bumblebee fixed his voice in the last film, but it's not working here; the robots are hiding, even though they tore apart Los Angeles in broad daylight; and they hide as bright neon cars. Sure.
Plot-wise, why bother? The first "Transformers" suffered from a needlessly convoluted story, but this takes the cake: apparently the robots have been on Earth since the dawn of man and they built the pyramids to hide their weaponry, which can only be found with the help of the mystical MacGuffin. This is all explained in turgid patches of exposition. Oh, and the Decepticons want to kill our sun.
Not our sun, Decepticons! That's where we get our light and heatness(sic)! Who will the moon talk to? Obviously, this film is for children, but it's simply insulting.
Now, we're the generation that grew up with "Ren & Stimpy" and "Rocko's Modern Life," so we know a thing or two about innuendo in children's programming. But at least that was buried; "Transformers" is a barrage of leg humping, pot brownies and - I'm not kidding - robot testicles.
Worst of all are the racist caricatures of two Autobots named Mudflap and Skids. The last film featured a jive-talking Autobot (they even called him "Jazz") who was not only the first Autobot to die, but the only one to die.
This is worse: the pair not only speak like stereotypical, ill-educated black people, but are illiterate and actually have a simian appearance. One of them sports a gold tooth. Yet, for reasons that elude me, they got the biggest laughs of the film. Apparently, space racism (spacism?) is hilarious.
I know what the fanboys are thinking right about now: "Hey, man, I just like to shut off my brain to see a movie. Sorry it's not 'La Dolce Vita.'" Besides, "Transformers 2" is the first film that will shut your brain down for you. Its four editors cannot keep a single moment of action from being disorienting, and every fight is nothing more than a mesh of unidentifiable fluorescent metal fisticuffs as the humans run from explosions in slow motion.
A more levelheaded person might suggest that I not expect so much from a film based on toys, which is an apt observation. However, with a second act that drags like molasses and an utter lack of thematic exploration, "Transformers 2" is an 80-minute movie crammed into two and a half hours.
Michael Bay didn't bring the Transformers to life, he made a $200 million adaptation of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
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