When I think of awful movies, I start at the top and work my way down. From now on, however, I will start and end with Pandorum.
This movie, if I had any control, would be renamed and marketed as PanBorum.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I still lay awake at night wondering what exactly happened in that movie.
Granted I missed the first 20 minutes because I was in the lobby attempting to accurately figure out the best popcorn-to-seasoning salt ratio.
In the end it honest to god did not even matter. I walked into the theater and saw this random, handsome scientist armed with nothing but a tiny mag light and pistol, slightly resembling a cap gun, walking around the abandoned, dark hallways of this space station, which was just like keepin' it real up in space somewhere.
They never told us. Still lying awake wondering.
So then we realize this space station is actually a futuristic Noah's ark-type deal.
It has been charged with taking all of the last remaining life forms on Earth and relocating them to another planet, in a galaxy far, far away.
As I am quickly trying to catch up with a plot and camera angles that are moving faster and more incoherently than Rush Limbaugh through a pharmacy, I realize that I have once again wasted 10 hard earned dollars, but by god, the popcorn to seasoning ratio is solid.
On we trudged for about 30 minutes. I want to die, asking myself why did I come here before guess what happens?
If you guessed nothing worth mentioning, you were spot on the money.
Apparently during the journey, and I swear to god I am not making this up, the protein supplements used to nourish the cryogenically frozen people evolve into a primitive, cannibalistic tribe of pale, gray awfulness.
They even had head dresses and tattoos.
The scientist then along with a really hot chick, of course, travel through the bowels of the ship to try and reach the core of the ship to reset it.
A ship that is the size of a planet oddly takes no more than 20 minutes to navigate to the center of.
Maybe they move at "space speed" or something else illogical, like the fact someone paid money to make this movie.
Oh, and I left out the most important part. Dennis Quaid is in this flick.
Let's review that poor bastards resume: GI Joe, The Parent Trap with Lindsey Lohan and even Jaws 3-D.
The man has had it rough since he was in The Alamo and The Rookie.
OK, back to the movie, the last miserable 20 minutes of the movie is dedicated to this virus that is taking over the brains of the people still awake in space.
A space virus. The virus apparently makes you oddly paranoid, not nearly as bad as Tom Cruise in the mental health section of a bookstore, but more like Michael Vick at a dog park.
Yes Michael, they are looking at you.
I really just can't express to you enough how bad this movie was.
The ending is just horrible.
I want to tell you, but I just can't. I simply just cannot force myself to relive the trauma.
If there was a way to give this movie negative stars where it would begin to owe me stars, then I totally would.
I mean you go through this monstrosity hoping, pleading for some kind of clarity to appear. I hate to say it, but it never does. This movie is not worth the plastic wasted to enclose it within the rectangular case of fail.
I honestly suggest if you want to just throw away money, you have two options.
First one is obviously you can give it to me. Or you can get it all changed into quarters, eat them and then wait for them to digest.
At least that way you will get some of your money back and still have an equally crappy time.
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