How I Survive in Auburn

It smells like good cigarettes and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and other peoples' sweat.

It sounds like dozens of bearded guys wailing on each other in the pit and hundreds of voices singing about red balloons and desperately trying to leave home.

It looks like black T-shirts and camo cutoffs and three days of not showering.

It's The FEST, and it's the best time you'll probably never have.

The FEST is a three-day punk rock festival in Gainesville, Fla.

But what makes it super awesome is, instead of being on a couple massive stages outside with a score of nasty Porta Johns lined up by a fence, it's hosted in something like a dozen bars and venues around downtown G-Ville.

It still feels like a show rather than whatever an outdoor concert feels like.

I wouldn't know what an outdoor concert feels like because I've never been to one.

But I've been to lots of shows in several different venues and The FEST feels like what a show should feel like. Or rather, what 300 shows should feel like because that's about how many bands play there over the weekend.

Dude, does The FEST have bands.

Amazing bands.

Punk bands, hardcore bands, metalcore bands, folk punk bands, ska bands and really sweet acoustic sets that help you take a breather while you eat a tasty ham and cheese sandwich from Flaco's.

That place has the CLEANEST bathroom so please don't use it.

But one of the cooler things about The FEST, and, believe me, there are MANY cool things, is the people.

I know, I just realized how cliche that sounded when I typed it. But some people can be wicked cool, and those people go to The FEST.

Those people talk to you while you wait in line because they can tell you're by yourself and they don't want you to feel left out.

The FEST just has this atmosphere of bonhomie. I'll be honest, I don't really know how to pronounce that word. But I have seen it in many an old book, so I know what it means.

But everyone is there just to have a good time. Everyone has been looking forward to this shin-dig since the first time they heard about it and is super psyched to finally be there and we're all just having such a good time... I imagine this is what Woodstock felt like.

Except maybe with less LSD and better weather.

There are dudes from punk bands that formed back before people even knew it was "punk" and they're still melting face like I'm sure they did 30 years ago.

Which is friggin' awesome, beeteedub.

And then you've got bands like Less Than Jake and Strike Anywhere who have been around for a while, but not too long, and put on a killer set.

And then there's the newbies.

Bands comprised of people about our age who might not even be signed or have proper merch, but they know they want a living in music and they're busting their cans to make it happen.

High-fives to them. They've got a dream, and with a little help from Tony Weinbender they're going to make it happen.

I know what that's like.

Not the being in a band part, but the wanting a living in music part.

I got my first copy of Alternative Press magazine at last year's FEST. I actually leafed through it a few months later and my mind was just blown.

Like, little bits shooting out of my ear canals.

I just could freakin' believe it. Here was a magazine that contains great writing about the thing I love most in the world.

I've wanted a job at AP ever since I read my first copy and, Lord willing and the creek don't rise, I'ma make it happen.

And this year's FEST (which is sponsored in part by AP) only served to reinforce that desire.

So, Scott Heisel, I know you were at The FEST this year, I saw your twitter, please give me a job.

Had I seen the tweet about you being at The Venue I would have introduced myself. So, please hire me. I will work super hard. Now, enough creepy shout-outs to people who have no idea who I am.

What I also love about The FEST is the exposure I get to new music while I am there. I think I knew the words to about six songs while I was there.

It would have been more but I got to LTJ's set late.

Which was a SICK bummer because I missed "Johnny Quest Thinks We're Sellouts."

Which is tied with "Tobacco Island" by Flogging Molly for my favorite song to experience live.

Because the sweet action about The FEST is you pay about $70 for three days of really ballin' music.

So, if you stumble into a venue and you don't like the band there, you are more than welcome to stumble back out and go somewhere else. Because with a half a dozen bands playing at any given time, you are sure to find someone you like.

I know I did. Props to "The Riot Before," "Captain We're Sinking," "American Armada," "Pretty Boy Thorson and the Falling Angels" and "The Blacklist Royals" for rocking my world.

And props to Tony and the crew who put this beast on.

I know it's a crazy, impossible task, but it means the world to the bands and the fans, so thanks infinity times two.