There are few Christmas movies that make me angry.
I mean how can you, as a normal human being, be angry at a movie about presents, snow and capitalism?
However, there is one movie that has tried my patience year in and year out.
Its name is "A Christmas Story," and it has no mercy on my soul.
Every year, on Christmas Eve, they show this movie for 24 hours. All day, they show "A Christmas Story." Yeah, I know.
OK, so for those of you who are obviously the lucky ones and have been spared from having to watch this time machine back to a time where fathers were cruel, mothers were idiot home makers and every little brother made you want to take a hacksaw to him, let me fill you in.
"A Christmas Story'' is about how a young middle class boy, Ralphie, fares in his campaign to obtain a Christmas present.
This present is a brand new Red Rider BB Gun.
Yeah, a kid spends an entire movie trying to get a weapon. How American is that?
The movie takes us through the days leading up to Christmas in a small town in Indiana full of crushes on teachers and battles with a neighborhood bully who looks a lot like Adam Putnam, a senator from Florida.
Granted there are some funny parts that I am sure, the first time I saw the movie, I might have laughed at.
Children getting their tongues stuck to poles, little kids in too much winter clothing falling over and not being able to get up and finally the evil, scary Santa Claus that kicks Ralphie down the slide after informing him that with his BB gun he would just shoot his eye out.
All the images do is help affirm the romanticized view of the 1940s where every day was a struggle down at the plant and you came home to a loving, submissive wife and everyone was happy with a glass of milk.
So in the end Ralphie actually gets the BB gun and promptly walks outside and shoots something, which ricochets and hits him in the eye.
He loses the eye due to an infection and spends the rest of his life in the Indiana State Hospital sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth singing "Jingle Bells."
Wow, I "laughed out loud" on that one.
I think my ending is a lot more realistic.
As it turns out he just knocks his glasses off and then they go eat Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant where they mock internationals and Chinese accents. Real funny, but awesome!
You know I really don't remember what happens at the end, but hey look at it this way, they will play this movie 3,657,895 more times before the Christmas holiday is over, so it will all work out.
If you want a real Christmas movie, full of good lines, good action and guns, you should rent the first and second "Die Hard" movies.
Now that is some good Christmas action.
Nothing says, "I love Santa and celebrating the birth of Jesus," like a rogue cop, without shoes, beating up a bunch of terrorists. Sarah Palin would love it!
So when Christmas comes, cuddle up with your American flag Snuggies and cups of hot cocoa and help me boycott "A Christmas Story."
Tell TBS that we don't want that movie anymore.
We want real life action movie star Bruce Willis to grace our TV screens.
Let's replace "Ho Ho Ho" with another saying like, "Yipee KaiYay Mutha..." well, you know how the rest goes.
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