Dear Lane,
My father and I get along really well, better than most I think, but recently he's been trying to push a "father/son" hobby on our relationship. I'd probably be all for it if it was paintballing, shooting .45s, going to South America or brewing our own beer. But no, he's hell-bent on making pickles. PICKLES. He already planted the cucumbers in my parents' garden, bought a whole bunch of seasoning/brine and has been trying it on cucumbers that he's found at farmers markets and Whole Foods.
I want to support my Dad (it seems like he's kind of going through a mid-life crisis), but this obsession with pickles is a tad absurd. My mom agrees, and everyone's getting a little sick of the refrigerator in the basement being full of pickle experiments. Lane, HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?!
Sincerely,
Pickle T. Willyburg
Dear Mr. Willyburg,
You're lucky to have a father who endeavors to make your life more like the heartwarming films of our childhood. I can't tell you how difficult it is to orchestrate that kind of kooky comedy on your own (trust me, I've planted enough banana peels to know). Did Robin Williams' kids complain when he invented Flubber? Did Eddy Murphy's kids complain when he started having in-depth conversations with wacky zoo animals? Did my roommate complain when I kept leaving banana peels outside her bedroom door? Well yeah, she did, but she's a real drag.
You might not be able to see it now through your pickle-induced panic, but you're fortunate to have a dad with such quirky hobbies. In a world where Snooki's unborn child already has a three-year television contract, there is no story too boring to meticulously document and then broadcast to the entire nation. This could be your ticket to stardom, kid. So grab your old man, slap on an apron and a smile and film your pilot episode.
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