Whether you are new to the area or you have been tasked with entertaining little sister or brother on the family visit, you can find thrills and get your kicks in the seedy underbelly of Auburn University’s secret tour.
For you ghost hunters and "paranormiacs" out there, this first stop is for you.
The Kappa Alpha house isn’t just scary because of toxic masculinity or "dad-bod" fashion statements. Rumor has it, if you visit the KA house when the full moon is alone in the sky, you can hear the ghosts of confederate soldiers tell racist jokes and compare the sweet mods their dads bought for their new model pick-up trucks. Spooky!
So you’ve made it through the Kappa Alpha Order of Confederate Ghoolies and spooky spirits and now more than ever you need a Jesus injection—something to make you feel safe, calm and not personally violated in anyway.
The savior Auburn needs and deserves will be hobbling around the Med Clinic Parking deck in orange from head to toe. Forget your space, this man will ask you personal question about your faith, touch your shoulders and arm without permission and just when he reaches for his lunch box to maybe just maybe give you a snack cake or a cookie, you’ll realize that his lunch box is actually only full of vaguely Islamophobic religious pamphlets.
Which incoherent line of ramblings will he take today? The world is a computer program and Jesus wrote the software? Islam stole the Christian bible? Here’s a Youtube link that irrefutable proves the existence of God and hell? The only predictable thing about this tour stop is that if you let him, he will talk to you about Jesus until you miss both your afternoon classes. Thanks little old man. Faith in God restored!
Next on the stop, you need a stiff drink and I don’t blame you. Let’s head down to the scattered grouping of like five or six bars that I once heard an Auburn freshman call, ”the strip.” The beating heart of Auburn’s night scene, this stop has a little bit of something for everyone. Do you want to accidentally brush up against a second semester pledge’s erection? Quixote’s, lovingly referred to as Q’s, was designed just for you. Maybe you’re a little older and want a more refined scene. Check out SkyBar, where you can see first-hand how alcoholism and depression have affected the people from your freshman floor.
You slept it off, champ, and we’re all proud of you. Only in the morning hours can we see the next stop on this tour: Dr. Swann’s infamous collection of Hawaiian shirts. Dr. Swann is every Auburn student’s weird, evil scientist uncle. You can find him stalking the lower floors of the Student Science Center to the tune of the Star War’s “Imperial March.” Don’t make eye contact, especially if you plan on dropping out of the sciences the second this semester ends (you know who you are).
You’ve almost scene it all, you scamp, and after this final stop you really will understand our precious alma mater. Yes, the next stop is the Jordan-Hare Stadium. Football is the life blood of this school, which is funny when year after year we prove to be so terrible at football. You and your younger sibling take it in—from the outside that is. Due to the new ticketing policies by the SGA, your little something or other probably won’t make it to the game.
Do you like this story? The Plainsman doesn't accept money from tuition or student fees, and we don't charge a subscription fee. But you can donate to support The Plainsman.
