Horror Has a Chin: My Week with the Jay Leno Show.
After a summer of promotion so staggeringly ubiquitous that even its host introduced it as "overhyped," "The Jay Leno Show" debuted last week.
Did it live up to the network hype promising some sort of revolution by bringing comedy to the drama-heavy 10 p.m. slot?
Are you kidding?
Anyone who thought Jay Leno was going to lead any sort of revolution likely just thawed from a glacier, the last survivor of a tribe that revered large chins as a sign of divinity.
I thought I had Leno pegged from what brief snippets I caught of his "Tonight Show" while channel surfing: watered-down observations and softball interviews.
But I decided to tune in this week out of that lethal cocktail of curiosity and boredom, and I discovered something:
Jay Leno is a jerk.
Let's get it out of the way, this is, as everyone else has noted, "The Tonight Show" without a desk. Leno comes out, makes himself into a "regular guy" by placing the stage more or less on floor level and proceeds to tell jokes that passed their expiration date months ago.
All the while, the audience howls. Did NBC bus in these people from the "America's Funniest Home Videos" set, because they're the only group of people who can find such insipid banality this hysterical.
Yes, comedy is subjective, but as far as I can tell, only about one-third of Leno's monologue jokes come with actual punchlines; instead, he haphazardly inserts references to news items like a game of Mad Libs ripped from the headlines.
So why is he a jerk?
Well, Leno has a subtle, constant need to humiliate someone.
His big ratings were ensured when Kanye West made a fool of himself at the VMA's the night before he appeared on Leno's first show, at which point Jay took the whole thing several steps too far by asking the rapper what his dead mother would have thought of his outburst.
That was painful enough, but, to my revulsion, Leno peppered in cheap shots at Kanye in every one of last week's episodes.
Look, I'm no fan of Kanye's antics, but this is absurd.
Leno owes at least half of his first night's mammoth ratings to Kanye, and the punishment far outstrips the "crime."
Kanye jokes aren't the only ones that wore out their welcome fast.
All late night monologues have an unfortunate tendency toward sexism, but I couldn't believe when Leno stood before a crowd and called an upcoming fashion show for plus-sized models "Cash for Chunkers."
He also stole several of his successor Conan's bits, most notably a segment mocking Craigslist that lacked all of Conan's off-the-cuff spontaneity.
His interviewing skills certainly haven't improved either.
The "Ten @10" segment, a transparent attempt to get in a second guest interview without looking too much like the "Tonight Show," has been nothing but an embarrassment, with Leno lobbing questions so soft and pandering even the celebrities look uncomfortable.
Of course, the show's low cost guarantees a long run barring a sharp ratings decline, so we're stuck with it.
So now, Leno can leech guests from Conan O'Brien and even Jimmy Fallon. Leno got his slot on the "Tonight Show" through backroom bullying, and at last it's plainly evident in front of a camera as well as behind.
The only moment I found remotely amusing all week came when Leno hoisted himself on his own petard.
Insulting kids for not reading, he "Twitter-ized" "Hamlet" for easy consumption, only to describe the plot to "Oedipus Rex" instead.
Maybe adults should read more, too.
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