Have you guys seen this new theme park o\0x80ff of Interstate 85?
From what I hear, it's pretty dope.
More than 25,000 people seek out this rural location every year, and they pay exorbitant amounts of money to sit in these little rooms, sometimes at 8 a.m., to be scared, laugh, cry and sometimes learn a thing or two about life.
\0x1DThere are even a lot of spectator events to attend if you get bored sitting in the rooms-real grand showcases with plenty of screaming, \0x8C flashing colors and odd rhythmic chants.
Be advised that you may get bombarded once or twice by a fellow parkgoer when walking down the checkered-brick main drag, a place park officials like to affectionately call "the concourse."
Did I mention this crazy whirlwind of fun has a mascot? It's a large, presumably male, self-aware tiger that seems to know every pop culture reference in the book and likes to twirl its tail like helicopters are going out of style.
People go up and hug this thing, unaware of its dormant ferocity and insatiable hunger, and sob with happiness into its arms while saying something like "Aubie, I want you to be the best man at my wedding!"
But the best part? If you get hungry, you can just charge your food purchase to the convenient little orange card that you're mandated to buy upon entrance to the park.
Oh wait, you brought your own lunch? Too bad, you still have to pay.
According to park rules, your situation is not an excuse from obeying park ordinances, i.e. pay up or lose that cash at the end of your stay.
If you've decided to stay inside the park limits, you'll have to put $1,000 on that card for every six months that you stay.
And to all those smarty pants who decided to stay at the Days Inn across the street: You only have to put $300 on your card every six months.
I know what you're saying, believe me.
"Why do I even have to eat inside the park? What if I want to leave and pursue an Indian restaurant, vegan cuisine or gluten-free options? Isn't this America? Whatever happened to freedom?"
Well, you just can't waive the fee, OK? \0x1DThat's the way it's always been. The way the purchase system works at War Eagle World, according to park officials, is that you have to support the businesses within the park whether you like them or not.
"But the prices are high, sometimes even triple what I could buy outside the park!"
Look, don't gripe to me about it. I'm just a part of a body of young officials that has the potential to end these shenanigans.
"But this almost seems like legal extortion!"
Sir, please keep your voice down. I can assure you that we've made these regulations to benefit you and the park as a whole.
"It sure doesn't seem like it. How do you sleep at night?"
Well, I guess that's the way it's always been, and the park doesn't plan on changing it anytime soon.
Deal with it.
Remember, keep your lap belt on at all times, don't touch anything with an old-looking sign next to it, keep o\0x80ff the grass, worship the fast food chicken restaurant that employs cows as advertising mercenaries, don't expect anything to happen on the park grounds after 5 p.m., trade in your car for a tricycle (parking? no.) and please apply for a permit if you're even thinking about mentioning our rival park in Tuscaloosa.
But most of all, enjoy your stay at War Eagle World!
Even if your wallet does seem a little lighter when you leave.
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