(Cue the Budweiser Men of Genius Music.)
We salute you, Guy Who Decided to Steal a Tiger Transit Bus.
(Yes, we're automatically assuming a guy did this because most women have far too much intelligence and class to do something so monumentally stupid as to attempt to steal a Tiger Transit bus. We're sorry if you're offended, ladies.)
Only a man of true class and distinction would have the gumption and chutzpah to attempt to thieve University property in such a brazen fashion.
(Seriously, who in their right mind attempts to steal a Transit bus? What sort of mental deficiencies are needed to undertake such a foolish task?)
Other men have dreamed of climbing to such heights; you lead the way.
(To boldly go where no jackass has gone before. You're the Captain Picard of douchebaggery. Congratulations.)
You don't need a Commercial Driver's License. You have within you the bold spirit of manifest destiny that lies within all true American hearts.
(Because a heightened blood alcohol content counts the same as a government-issued license in the eyes of the law.)
Being transported by a licensed, trained driver wasn't good enough to get you where you needed to go. You blaze your own trail.
(Straight to Logan Square, apparently.)
Consequences be damned, you go where you want to go.
(You could have killed people. How dare you hold the lives and safety of others in such low regard.)
Like Charles Lindbergh flying solo over the Atlantic, you go it alone, risking life and limb in the pursuit of life to its fullest extents.
(Although, you're probably more like the crazed, "I Heart Hitler" late-1930s Lindbergh than America's golden flying ace.)
Other men follow your stalwart, shining example. You are noble Odysseus, Alexander the Great and George Washington in one. People will follow your guidance.
(Honestly, what sort of people went along on Mister Toad's wild ride? At some point, shouldn't a voice in the back of your head say "Since when do Tiger Transit drivers have polos with popped collars?")
Society is not yet ready to accept the awesomeness that is your life. Expect salt to be thrown in your game continually.
(Please, Auburn, prosecute this idiot to the fullest extent of the law. We will think less of you if you let him off with a slap on the wrist.)
Expect that mimics will pop up. Your brand of greatness inspires emulation from your peers.
(For the love of all that is holy, do not, under any circumstances, repeat this guy's actions. You will gain nothing but a police record from the experience.)
So, Tiger Transit Thief, walk tall. Hold your head up high and let the world know that you had the foresight to live the impossible dream. Where others have failed, you stand alone as one of the great success stories of our time.
(Someone actually stole a Tiger Transit. We never thought we'd see the day.)
Do you like this story? The Plainsman doesn't accept money from tuition or student fees, and we don't charge a subscription fee. But you can donate to support The Plainsman.
