Recently The Plainsman released an opinions piece discussing a political movement known as the alt-right.
After the publication of this article there were some allegations made about the paper that I thought needed addressing.
Most notably, one reader referred to us as members of a group called the “Leftist Illuminati.”
The argument being we somehow use the news to further a leftist agenda with which we have been secretly controlling the city of Auburn and the world.
I wrote this article to simply ask, how the hell did you figure it out?
We’ve spent years releasing articles about puppies and campus style to favor the will of our liberal overlords.
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With every report on local business openings, we were sure that we were pleasing the lizard people that secretly run the planet without giving anything away.
So my question is, how did you see the subtext so easily?
Here at The Plainsman we understand the jig is up, so I’ve decided to write about my first experiences with the Leftist Illuminati, so you, the pawns in our game, can really get a good idea about the kind of people who are running your planet. So I wrote a piece about my first budget meeting.
I hope that you enjoy. Rest assured if you don’t, we are already aware.
Journalists like to say you never forget your first budget meeting.
I sure will never forget mine.
Though I had been to the Student Media Suite before, I knew almost immediately there was something strange going on the night of my first budget.
The lights in the Student Center were completely cut off, as if someone had cut all power to the building.
The only light I saw emitted from a line of wine-red candles, aligned so as to lead straight to The Plainsman Office.
As I entered The Plainsman Suite, my muscles clenched in fear, I became aware of the feeling that I was being watched.
I knew immediately that something was off.The Obama portrait, usually hung above the editor’s desk, was now replaced by The Eye of Providence.
Candles illuminated the altar below. The door slammed behind me.
Before I could react, a bag was put over my head.
I awoke to the sound of typing. I began to scream. The bag was removed from my head and I saw what must have been 30 people in orange and blue robes.
One person, whom I could only assume was the scribe, continued to type. “Alexander Foster Wilkerson,” spoke a figure within the crowd.
A single person approached me and removed his hood. It was the head editor.
“You have expressed interest in the Brotherhood of The Plainsman and as such have come under the scrutiny of the Leftist Illuminati, and Obama’s All Seeing Eye.”
I sat speechless, restrained at the wrists on a swivel chair.
“As a prospective member of the Brotherhood, we ask you one simple question, what is the goal of all journalists?”
I was stunned. This is what happens when you express interest on the concourse?
I replied, trembling with fear, “To report the news fairly and without bias?”
The editor shook his head.
“He is not ready.”
My friend, who had been on the concourse that day, removed her hood.
“Give him a break. He's from Alabama. Can you really blame him for not understanding the Journalist code?”
“Listen to his answer. He is clearly not fit for Journalism,” replied the Head Editor.
“The Journalist code?” What have I gotten myself into? I wondered.
After some discussion between the group, the Head Editor once again turned to me.
“Listen my son, would you like to be a writer of The Plainsman and therefore part of the Leftist Illuminati?
“We are the most powerful group in the world. If you would join us and repent, then use your biases to your advantage, there is no limit to the power you can have with us!”
Wary of joining a cult but nonetheless interested in the proposition of limitless power, I responded the only way I knew how: “Sure.”
“Good my son, welcome to the paper.”
After the ceremony we all went to Little Italy, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Or should I say, our history?
Alex Wilkerson is an Opinions columnist. He can be reached at opinions@ThePlainsman.com.
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