Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
A spirit that is not afraid

How to earn everyone's admiration and respect on your first day of class

This is satire.

If you're like most students, you probably think the first week of classes will be easy. All you have to do is walk in, sit down, get handed a syllabus and listen to your professor read over it before leaving early.

If you're like most students, you're completely wrong.

Syllabus week affords you the opportunity to make the greatest first impression to both your professor and your classmates, and by following these easy steps and recommendations, you'll surely be the most talked about and respected student within your class.

The first step comes into play the moment you enter the classroom when you pick where to sit. It could be anywhere and at any seat, but the important part is that you randomize your choice of seating every day.

Students too often like to choose a single seat next to friends and sit there all semester long, but it's your job over the semester to take each and every student's desired seat in order to throw them off and disallow them from becoming too complacent in their attention and studies.

The next step is the syllabus itself. As soon as you get one, frantically search it for any typos and misspellings, no matter how insignificant or inconsequential, so you can interrupt your professor and point out his or her mistakes as often as possible. He or she will be impressed by your attention to detail, and your classmates will begin to see just how intellectually superior you are.

While your professor is going over the material, your commentary and questions will be key.

If you were given a paper copy, go ahead and raise your hand as if to ask a question, then proceed to lecture your professor on his or her wastefulness and lack of concern for sustainable practices. The entire classroom will surely be in awe of your moral sensibilities and environmental sensitivity.

At some point your professor will go over accommodations for students with disabilities. Ask if being hungover counts as a way to show everyone that you have a funny side, because nothing is in better taste than trivializing the struggles of other students by likening their disabilities to your poor lifestyle choices. Then assume the body language of someone awaiting praise, because that light-hearted joke couldn't possibly backfire.

Make sure that any questions you ask the professor are already clearly stated in the syllabus, preferably concerning material the professor has already gone over. No one will think this is annoying at all as there's no such thing as a dumb question.

When the professor nears the end of the syllabus and the students begin to shift in their seats and zip up their bags, you'll know its time for your ultimate weapon: the long, meandering and irrelevant personal anecdote.

It doesn't have to be about anything in particular and it certainly doesn't have to be true so long as it's long enough to make everyone late for their next class, irrelevant enough for people to start to ask themselves what your point of speaking is and personal enough to make people uncomfortable by your lack of filter.

By the end of your first class, the entire room should be giving you a standing ovation as you ball up your syllabus, throw it away and walk to your next class to do it all over again.

This is satire.

Enjoy what you're reading? Get content from The Auburn Plainsman delivered to your inbox

Share and discuss “How to earn everyone's admiration and respect on your first day of class” on social media.